Tuesday, July 11, 2006
A little calmed down
I am still not ready to see anyone in my family(most of all my dad and older brother) so I am hanging out here at the library until they kick me out, then I'll drive around until everyone is asleep before going home. I'm trying to see that my family is doing this out of love, but I keep feeling that when they look at me all they see is the gay, as if that is the most important part. In the end it will work out, I hope. If it doesn't, well, I'll be at college in less than three months. I just have to keep from doing something self-destructive just to hurt them. Deep breaths, Jason, deep breaths.
Jason, man, I would be pissed too if someone invaded my privacy like that.
One thing I try to remember when parents FREAK out is that often their concept of "gay" is not based in reality. It is based on lies they have heard from anti-gay leaders and based on their experience of seeing what happened to gay people from their school days.
I know for my folks, they thought I would have a dreadful life because of the gays and lesbians they knew growing up ended up violently killed or miserable. My mom (who is totally cool with me and my gayness) reminds me that it is hard for some parents to understand the world today and that they need a big learning curve.
Of course I don't know your folks, so they could just be psycho, but more likely they are incomplete souls like the rest of us desperately needing grace (and lots of good education).
Yeah, nothing self-destructive. You are too precisou for that. Be pissed and sin not...or something like that.
As one blogger told me when I had dropped off the radar screen for a while:
"If you're OK, stick your head up and let us know you're OK.
If you're not OK, stick your head up and let us know what we should be praying for..."
Keep the faith and keep writing!
I just found and read your blog. I can empathize a lot with what you are feeling. I kept my battles and struggles silent and to myself for 30 years until the Lord finally gave me the right people and the right time to begin to deal with the trauma of my childhood and the self-loathing I had for so long because of my SSA.
I am praying for you...