Saturday, July 01, 2006


The cruelest of cruelties

I must seem like the most confused, undecisive person on this planet. A week ago I was so totally ready to spend the rest of my life attracted to guys, for better or for worse. I feel like I'm on some kind of pendulum that is going faster and faster: it used to take weeks or even months for it to go from one side to the other now it seems to take only days or even hours. Gaah!

I can deal with my older brother thinking that I had given up in trying to become straight: he has no inkling of what I am dealing with and what I have gone through because he has never dealt with it. But what if I met someone(in real life... sorry to all my internet peeps but it just isn't the same) who was dealing with the same things I am? I read what people have to say online and it is easy for me to only see the things I want to see: I find myself reading almost exclusively things written by Christians who are gay. Sometimes I see myself easily accepting what people who I agree with(gay Christians) have to say while discounting the other(ex-gay) side. I have to ask myself, am I doing this because God has given me discernment or because I am happy where I am now, and don't want to change?

The reason all these questions are popping up right now is that yesterday I got to talking with someone I had hung out with a few times. We talked about God and things in his past and different stuff and something he kept saying really struck me. He said, "I have basically gone through everything a guy can go through." To me this either made him an idiot who didn't realize that homosexuality was something some guys deal with, or he had actually gone through it. He didn't seem like an idiot and he said that phrase enough times that it seemed like he was trying to tell me without telling me... i.e. it was something I would only notice if I was looking out for it.

We start talking about trust and then for a while I get real silent and he asks why. I tell him that I am deciding whether or not I can trust him. So finally I realize that besides the possibility of him telling others(which didn't seem very likely) the only thing I could lose by telling him was our friendship, which was new and therefore easy to risk.

So in my very blunt, direct way(sarcasm here) I tell him, "Well, I am not really attracted to girls." If he hadn't got what I was saying or was like "what do you mean?" I think I would have screamed, or possibly my head would have exploded. There is nothing worse(and I have had this happen) then telling someone one of the hardest things in the world and them not getting it. I think my biggest fear is telling someone I am gay and them thinking I am joking.

His response was something along the line of, "Yeah, I used to be attracted to gusy too." Forgive me for saying this, but at this point I was so happy I about creamed my pants. Finally, a real person who knew what I was going through. Woohoo! But part of his phrase struck me, used to??? When I had hoped to meet a Christian who knew what I was dealing with, I always assumed that being gay was part of the deal. Grr.

So we had a really good talk(which my next post will be all about) but the end result is that, gosh dang it, he sparked something in me that I thought was long gone. Something that I remember tearing my life apart. Sometimes I wonder how cruel God can be, playing all these tricks on me. What he gave me is much more sinister than shame or self-hatred. He gave me Hope.

Screw hope. I was happy with who I was.

Ouch - I'll pray the yo-yo/pendulum thing stops or at least slows down for you - Course people I pray for tend to have the opposite happen to them - I am like, anti-prayer. But sometimes things work out.

I really feel for you, whatever the outcome. I remember going back and forth for years - and honestly, it was really really distracting. I hope things work out.
I know very little about you, at this point, but one of the arguments I had about coming out was that I am physically not attractive and not particularly well-endowed. I don't have much money either. So I figured, "Gee, Steve, you can't attract love or interest, and you can't afford to buy it. So why come out?"

This post addressed a lot of those instincts. I'm not coming out for anyone but me - and I'm doing it because the truth should come out.

I love this quote:
The closet is not where homosexuals hide - it is where the truth is hidden until we take it out into the light. (from Rob Eichberg's classic book Coming Out: An Act of Love.)

And the reason I love it is because it's true. The more that people know about me, the more they can't deny that good, decent, loving and caring men are also gay. We aren't all drug-crazed circuit bois or child-craving pedophiles. We work, we vote, we contribute and we volunteer. We are not sex-crazed monsters - but we are tired of living in a closet, or in a box of celibacy.

I've had to come to my own undersanding of God - one that will take me exactly where I am, and love me unconditionally. I've had to come to understand that there is no asterisk in the verse God so loved the world* that he sent his only begotten son that says *this means the straight world, moron.

God wants me to be happy, joyous and free. No matter what the Christian right says, I didn't choose this; I was made this way.

If you'd like to read the thoughts of one closer to your age, check out Geek Boi's reflections on my post over here. It's a very worthy read.

I'm just glad you continue to post and struggle. It's only through the struggle that you'll find your way to peace, and eventually, to acceptance.
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