Thursday, June 29, 2006



Right now I am feeling much more stable than I was yesterday. I can't let every little bump in my path upset me this much... although for me my brother is a big bump. Because I love my brother so much I haven't set any boundaries and I take everything he says to heart; I trust him implicitly and tend to assume that he is right and that I am in the wrong.

My brother is an intense person; he focusses on his ministry and not much else, anything that doesn't align with that is unimportant. While it makes him a great minister it can make him lousy at relationships. Despite our differences, I know he is a man of God, and has gone through a lot to get there. Yesterday I realized that he expects everyone to come to the same conclusions he has, to reach where he is at without the intervening years of experience. I cannot and will not let those expectations be placed on me; I am where I am at today because God has brought me here, if God wants me to come to the conclusions my brother is at He will bring me there. My job is to follow follow God, not to "become" anything.

Expectations have nearly torn me apart before and I won't let it happen again. No man can say where God will take me and no one has a right to. The only expectation I will live up to is seeking God first in all things. In the end He makes the decisions, not me, my brother or anyone else. If I am doing what I think God wants then I won't beat myself up when I make a mistake. If God wants me to become straight then He will bring me to the place where I believe that to be His will. Is self-deception possible? Yes, but I will not let it force me into inaction.

Does any of this clear up any confusion for me? Not really, but it calms the turmoil in my heart. I can sleep easy knowing that God won't lead me wrong.

Jason, I am praying for you in this time of settling into an old place with a new sense of yourself. I imagine it can feel lonely and scary.

What impresses me about you is your integrity. It is easy to stuff our feelings and desires, make believe they don't exist or don't matter or are less important than others' needs. From what you write, seems you are willing to be honest with yourself and others, which can help so much in hearing God's heart.
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